Way back in the spring of 2004 while driving in my car, I had been listening to a Christian radio station and they had a segment on adoption and fostering. It was at that moment that God planted the seeds of adopting in my heart. We had 5 homegrown children ages 2-7 at that time, and my body was not up for the challenge of having more. But the times where the kids' friends and cousins flooded our tiny house made me the happiest. I wanted more children. It took quite a while longer than that before hubby was at that point as well though. We went through a lot of emotional struggles as we considered our options and assets. We were stuck in a tiny little house that wasn't big enough for us as it was, so we waited and we prayed.
In 2011 God brought us the opportunity to buy a much larger home on a farm lot in my favorite school district. It was not without it's struggles but God brought us through that and we knew he had a purpose for this place. In the fall of 2012 I started researching adoption again. We now had a 6 bedroom home and plenty of space for more kiddos. By now the rest of the brood was pretty independent as far as day to day life goes so I was looking into special needs adoption and specifically Down Syndrome. This is how I ended up at Reece's Rainbow. In October of that year I started talking with the kids about it, and then when hubby also brought it up with them they shared the pictures of the little boy I had found and been praying about.
In January of 2013 we committed to adopting a boy nicknamed "Jacob". We traveled in August of 2013 and brought him home in September. The boy we first met was a vacant shell of a boy. So disconnected. He had Cerebral Palsy (dystonic) and a history of seizures. They told us he might have some slightly reduced vision and hearing. Well his eyesight was perfect, he never had a seizure the whole time we had him, but he was completely deaf. So for anyone adopting, know that sometimes they are accurate but many times they are not. I am glad that we did not get frightened away by all of these things because this boy was such a gift. So much he could not do, but that was ok. He was a bringer of joy and light in our lives, and did more for us than we could ever imagine. Yes there were hard times. It took a good six months before I hit the point where he was not just 'the kid I was taking care of and feeding every 2 hours'. It takes time, so know that it is normal and ok if it takes a while. It was at that point that he started to light up and smile when I entered the room. To recognize and take comfort in me as his mama and protector. We were inseparable.
 |
| Timothy hanging out with mama |
In Feb 2015, due to a combination of his medical issues that were surfacing, he passed away suddenly in his sleep, and our world fell apart. I had had nightmares about that precise moment for a year, and looking back now I see that it was God preparing me for it as much as I could be. Let me tell you I have a whole new appreciation for what God did for us in sending his son to die on the cross so that we could be forgiven.
Would I do it all again? A resounding yes. I am so thankful that God does not allow us to see the future, because if I had known then what we would go through I don't know if I would have chosen it. Who would go into something knowing you would be so completely heartbroken at the end? But to know all that we gained, yes. Yes I would do it again to not miss out on all of the joy and good times. And so we press on. We do so with a greater understanding of what family means for the kids left behind. And that every child deserves the love of a family no matter how long they are here for, or what challenges this earth brings them.
Still with grief in our throats, and knees shaking, we step out in faith with Christ to walk across the ocean. And that is the name of our adoption journey this round.
Join us as we Walk Across the Ocean to bring two more children with special needs home.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our journey continued...
It's been a year almost since I wrote the post above, and I feel like it's time for an update. So here is the *quick* version of the more personal side of our process over the last year. (Feb 2016)
I am a numbers person. They have significance to me. For as long I can remember the number 2 has been my favorite. Even better is two 2's together (22 or what not). So the fact that Tim was taken to Jesus on 2-2 did not go past me. He was 4 years 4 days old. Also of note is that we traveled 40 days to bring him home (a Biblically significant number). His birthday was the same day as my dad's, which I had a feeling about before we even found out. So many things that worked out in ways that just confirmed God's plan and have been a comfort to me.
So as we grieved and talked about future plans, God put that 40 number on my heart. And also Easter. I prayed, and did not want to wait all the way till Easter to start again as it felt like an eternity. So we would wait till our "40 days of grieving" were over (symbolic, as we are still grieving obviously). We contacted the agency about starting at that point. Through this I had started a Bible devotional. I missed a few days here and there because of traveling, but it was such a blessing to me every day. We waited and waited for things to come through that we could submit our commitment papers, trusting it would come at the exact right time, precisely when God meant it to.
This little boy ("Kurt") was so much on my heart but I wanted to know that he was meant to be ours. I continued to pray and ask God that if he was ours, that no one else commit to him before we could. In the end, we got his paperwork on the LAST day possible for someone to commit before his file was returned. I could not believe that no one else had scooped him up. The day we finally got the paperwork, I opened my devotional and it was day 40 and also 4-4. The lesson was about Joshua, and how the people had to walk around that wall and around that wall and around that wall until God said it was the right time. And when it was, the wall fell. That is what it felt like trying to get this paperwork. We just had to keep doing what God had told us and when the time was right, it would be given to us. What a gift of confirmation that the day we submit paperwork is that day.
On April 22nd, he was officially placed on hold for us by the government of his country. (note the date 4-22)
We were also praying about another child, a girl with cerebral palsy. We had to wait for our agency to get her file back, so it took a while. In May we finally got it, and even though my husband and I viewed the information individually, we both came to the same heartbreaking conclusion. She was not our daughter. I cried so hard. I felt like we were letting Timothy down. Like we had said no to him even though I said I would do it again. But her needs were so similar to his that we felt it would be too much emotionally this soon.
Back when I first found Kurt, there was another little girl listed at the same time nicknamed Sabrina. I had thought about the possibility of adding her back then, if we had decided to go for 3, so she came back to my mind as we worked to find our daughter once again. I showed several other girls to my husband and he just was not feeling the connection. When I showed Sabrina to him though, he said she was the one. Unfortunately our agency no longer had her file (it was returned the same time as Kurt's was going to be) so we had to wait until they had it back again.
In June I started feeling a little discouraged. It seemed like it was just taking so long to get everything set for our second kiddo that I started to wonder if God really had it in store for us. So on the way home from dropping my daughters off at their sewing camp I was thinking about it and asked God to confirm this for me. I had taken a different way home and was going to pass the a thrift store. I didn't really need to stop in there for anything, but I asked God to use it. If he means us to continue to press on with our second, let there be a twin stroller there when I go in. Now I have been there a dozen times or more in the last 2 months and only seen a twin stroller in there once probably 3 months ago (when we were not considering a younger child as our second yet). I really didn't even want to stop in. I was afraid there would not be one. I didn't want to look.
I walked in and went straight to the stroller section and there it was. The lady standing near the strollers must have been pretty confused by my smile and half tears. To avoid looking totally nuts I tested it out a little and wheeled it back. LOL Do de do.. don't mind me... I didn't buy anything, but came out with the best thing ever.
Anyway, I got home to hubby helping clear out the chicken pen and saw him off to work. When I checked my email, the agency contact had emailed me asking if we were sure we wanted to commit at this point and if so they would get the paperwork sent over so it could be ready when they get the file back (so long as no one else commits to her before then). The time that she emailed me? The *exact* time I was talking to God asking for confirmation. And I only know that because for some weird reason my van's clock did not reset itself when I started it this morning like it has been for the last week (electrical issue), and I had noticed it was working on my drive to the thrift store. So we said yes, get the paperwork to us, and I smiled bigger. God is so good to us.
After an agonizing wait, we got confirmation that Sabrina was on hold for us officially on July 22nd. We had a hiccup with our HS agency's email not working and lost a month in getting our homestudy finalized, but I kept reminding myself that it would all work out exactly in God's timing.
On November 22nd we arrived in their country to meet them both. We met Sabrina first, and fell in love with her spunk and sweetness. She has the darkest brown eyes, mischievous smile, and sense of humor that you can not see in those videos and pictures taken for her listing. (That was one thing that has been through every adoption so far, like a tiny gift for us, to see their precious smiles before the rest of the online world.) Hubby just bonded with her instantly and I had to fight him to get time with her, so most of our pictures with her are of the two of them. That's ok though, we will have time at home that he won't get. We had 2 hour visits twice a day with her. By the end of the week the social worker said that she got excited every time they brought her out in the stroller towards the play room because she knew we would be there. It was our last visit, and I knew she would not understand why we were suddenly not there to play with her, and it broke my heart. When we walked out that day, I was in tears and the psychologist that works with her saw us again and asked my husband if everything was alright. My hubby explained that everything was good, I was just sad to leave her. I choked back tears the entire 2 hour drive back to the city Kurt was in, and tried to focus on the excitement of getting to meet him, instead of the pain of leaving her behind.
The following week, November 30th, we met Kurt. I am not going to lie, I cried when they brought him in the first time. I just could not believe he was ours. He was the same size as Timothy was when he came home with us, and the same age. His eyes are so blue, and his curls just adorable. His silliness started to really show by the end of our visits, and every day he had some new goofy face he'd show us. He loved to bounce up and down and we got him standing (with help) by the end of the week. Again, leaving him (and her) behind in their country was the 2nd hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. (The first was kissing our son Timothy goodbye at his funeral.) I cannot even begin to explain what it is like to have pieces of your heart on the other side of the world and know that you will not see them again for months.
So much of this "paper pregnancy" has it's parallels with a "biological pregnancy" but this part is foreign. It's more like leaving your preemies in the NICU and having to go home a few hours away. When you are pregnant, you can feel the child, you know they are not being abused, or neglected. You can sing to them, and rock them when you walk. But this, this is hard. To have absolutely no idea what is happening in their lives, how much attention they are getting, or if they are sick, or sad. You pray for them, for people to be compassionate and gentle, and for their hearts to be open to you when you return.
We passed court on Feb 15th, and we should be getting travel dates soon. I cannot wait to have them both together and home with our other kids at last. This house is much too quiet without them.
